This is the story of my
salvation from religion. Although I have been involved
with the activities of churches for over forty-five years, the real
essence of my salvation is just now becoming clear. I have been a
pastor (17 years), a Bible college and seminary professor (14 years), and
a Christian consultant (15 years). I have written over twenty
Christian books. It would seem that I should know something about
what it means to be a Christian. Until recently, however, I have to
confess that I knew much about religion but very little about true
Christianity. I found myself actually in need of salvation from religion.
Amazingly, I needed to be saved
primarily not from bad things but from good things. I needed
salvation from the bondage of seeing Jesus as the object of my devotion, my piety, and
my worship. Seeing Jesus as the object of my action, I was being driven
to greater acts of devotion, piety, and worship. The increased
effort, with its motivation and consequential guilt when the effort
failed, brought me into greater and greater bondage. The harder I
tried the worst it became. I needed salvation from the religion that was
killing me.
I no longer see Jesus as the object of my actions. I now
see Him more distinctly as ". . . the way, the truth,
and the life" (John 14:6). This redemptive revelation has brought
Jesus into focus as my breath and my heartbeat. He is becoming the essence of my
all--in Him I live, and move, and have my being. He is
making Christianity true life rather than a religion that kills.
This true revelation of Jesus Christ
can be illustrated in another way. I now can say, "My faith is in
Jesus." However, do I mean, "My faith is in
Jesus? Or, do I mean, "My faith is in Jesus?"
My faith always produces my devotion,
my piety, and my worship. Perhaps, it would be more honest to say my
attempt to be more zealous, more holy, and more serving to and for God.
Whereas, being in Jesus, He is always faithful to do what He said He would
do. The faithfulness of God can make me faithful because He is actually
becoming my life--the only faithful One is living in and through me.
As I draw closer to my sixtieth year, one thing has become increasingly
clear. Down in the deep regions of my inner self, I find one that does not
want to give up his throne. I really do not want to give up my doing for God.
Although the experiences of life keep forcing me to change my outward
behavior in order to have a more stable existence with the least amount of
trouble from others, I always seem to scheme myself back into being the
"god" of my life. I thought I was doing a lot of things for God,
but now I know I was doing a lot of things for me using God. My self-centeredness
keeps rising again and
again.
I now can grasp, perhaps, what Jeremiah meant when he said, "The
heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked: who can know
it?" (Jer. 17:9).
I now understand with a much clearer revelation God's statement after the
great flood, "I will never again curse the ground for man's sake,
even though every inclination of his heart is evil from childhood . .
." (Gen. 8:21).
By God's mercy and grace, I can now confess that the heart of James
"is deceitful above all things" and "every inclination of
[my] heart is evil from childhood."
Even now with God's mercy and grace, it is painful for me to confess those
words. Moreover, I now know that this confession is so agonizing and
destructive to my self-centeredness that I will, at the first chance,
devise schemes that will allow me to deny "my" wickedness.
I keep striving to understand and to develop a doctrine that will allow me
to feel good about myself from within myself, instead of having a sense of
well being from being in (experiencing) Christ.
I will even create a teaching that will give God credit for making me feel
good about myself from within myself. I simply will not give up my throne.
Perhaps, this is what David meant when he said, "[The wicked] plot
injustice and say, 'We have devised a perfect plan!' Surely the mind and
heart of man are cunning" (Ps 64:6, NIV).
Unless God is continually working in my life, I will forever rule my
throne and scheme cleverly devised plans to keep me there.
Paradoxically, I will proclaim that I live righteously, I have
understanding, I seek God, and I am a good person. Even though the
Scriptures state:
As it is written: There is none
righteous, no, not one; There is none who understands; there is none who
seeks after God. They have all turned aside; they have together become
unprofitable; there is none who does good, no, not one. (Rom. 3:10-12,
NKJV)
Most assuredly, those characteristics do not
refer to me for "I" have chosen to give my life to God. Or, do
they?
Alas, could it be also true that ". . . my throat is an open tomb and
my tongue practices deceit." Is "my mouth full of cursing and
bitterness?" Are "my feet swift to shed blood?" Has
"destruction and misery been in my way?" Is "the way of
peace not known by me?" Is "there really no fear of God before
my eyes?" "Am I really guilty before God?" (Rom. 3:13-19,
paraphrased).
Sadly, in those rare moments of honesty, I have to confess, yes, that is
me!
Although I have learned to modify my behavior to mask my real
self-centeredness, I am basically driven by my selfish vanity. To keep
from being too abrasive and thus totally alienating everyone around me, I
have learned to play the role of "caring" for others.
However, I now see that I have continually used others to meet my
narcissism. Begrudgingly, I have to admit I have been driven by the
continual need of having my self-centeredness stroked, "my"
inner self lifted up.
Hear me out. Do not shut me off yet. I have worked for God. I have spent
many hours "building" His church.
I have traveled across America and several other countries proclaiming the
message of God. I have been "Spirit-filled" as on the Day of
Pentecost, experienced and witnessed Divine healing, participated in the
exorcism of unclean spirits. I have helped those in need. My family and I
have sacrificed for God.
Moreover, I have faithfully done as the visible church has said. I have
been baptized in water, participated in the Communion, washed the saints'
feet, and practiced all the other essentials of the church. I have
assembled together with other believers, paid my tithes, and spent many
hours in fasting and praying.
Finally, I have "kept" the law. The rulings of my tradition have
been practiced. I have faithfully lived by the teaching of the church and
adhered to the advice given. I obeyed "those over me in the
Lord." Abraham may not have been justified by his works, rituals, or
law (Rom. 4), but surely my efforts will not go without reward for I have
given my life to God and His church.
Perplexed, I wonder, in view of all my labors, why is there no lasting
peace not disturbed by the storms of life? Why does it seem that I am like
a spinning yo-yo that continually rises and falls by the forces of nature
that work upon me? Why am I constantly driven by every wind of adversity
that comes against me?
Irrefutably, I rejoice in my zeal to work for God. The challenge of doing
or becoming what I want to be excites my inner drives. The joy of
beginning a new task, a new plan for accomplishments, a new initiation of
effort to find glory floods my soul.
Yet, seemingly, the goal is never reached. I wilt under the hot sun of
affliction. There is little, if any, hope that I can ever make it to the
top. I lose my sense of direction.
Although discouragement sometimes overwhelms me, I will not succumb to its
deception. I will ascend beyond its deadly depths. I will rise above its
tentacles. I will climb over its obstacles. I will rise again to give the
best of my effort, to give the best of myself for the cause of Christ. I
will be victorious!
Yet, in the midst of my dreams, my aspirations, I have this submerged
apprehension that forces itself into my awareness every so often: I am
without strength, I am ungodly, I am a sinner.
Sometimes I feel I am really on the opposite side of God. I have an
overwhelming sense of guilt that I have not "arrived." I am
dying from within my soul.
The only sense of relief I have is to experience the forgiveness of God's
love. However, the cycle becomes tedious. Even the cry, "It's me
again Lord, I have failed," grows wearisome. I find myself tiring of
the endless successions of failures and absolutions. Is there no ultimate
victory?
I "learned" that ultimate victory would come in my death. I
"learned" I must die to sin. I must die to self. I must live the
crucified life. I must reckon myself to be dead to sin, but alive to God.
I must not yield my members as instruments of unrighteousness unto sin. I
must yield myself unto God. I must "identify" with the death and
resurrection of Jesus Christ.
Yet, in all my attempting to be dead, I still find myself
"living." All I have to do is to take an honest look at myself,
not at the image of what I am trying to believe in my mind, but the
reality of what is happening in my "inner self."
I do not find the fruits of holiness (life), but the wages of sin (death).
My peace, joy, and rest are often pushed aside for gloom, despair, and
agony.
In the still moments of the night, after the busy activities of my frantic
efforts subside, the real essence of my being reveals that something is
still wrong. In those still moments, the wages of sin (stress, despair, a
sense of being forsaken, and destroyed) bear heavily upon me.
I, as it seemed with Paul, often find myself in a dilemma: "For that
which I do I allow not: for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate,
that do I" (Rom. 7:15).
Certainly, "to will is present with me; but how to perform that which
is good I find not" (Rom. 7:18). Oh, ". . . I delight in the law
of God after the inward man: but I see another law in my members, warring
against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of
sin which is in my members" (Rom. 7:22,23).
"O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this
death?" (Rom. 7:24).
Who shall deliver me? What a question! Suddenly, a ray of light pierces my
soul. "Who shall deliver me" has never been the question I have
raised.
My questions have always been, "How can I get out of the mess I have
made?" "Who will help me fix the problems of my life?"
"How can I solve the struggles of my existence?" I have even
tried to use God as a means of "my" solution.
As the penetrating burst of "light" pierces the wall of darkness
within me, amazing truth drives itself into the intercessions of my heart.
Understanding, mysteriously, begins to break forth upon my reasoning. My
eyes begin to see rays of enlightenment. I slowly begin to grasp the
deeper things of life.
The difference between my questions and the question, "Who shall
deliver me," breaks forth into my inner being as the secret of life.
It is the difference between the distinction of deadly religiosity and
true believers in Christ.
One is a cry of the individual for deliverance from the circumstances. The
other is a cry to be saved from himself. One is an attempt to use God as a
personal source for one's accomplishments. The other is the realization of
one's total incompetence. One is the working of a "schemer"
keeping himself involved in the things of God. The other is understanding
where and who is the problem. One is death. The other is life. The
struggle of the two brings forth the beginning exploration into the
mysteries of grace.
What a dilemma of futility to know the real self-centeredness of one's
self. In perhaps the most thorough and precise statement on the issue of
life ever written by man, the Epistle to the Romans, Paul clearly stated
the plight of man to ever come to know himself. He simply wrote, "for
we know not" (Rom. 8:2 6) .
He did not make this statement in Romans Chapter Three, where he stated
"For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God"
(3:23). It "stands to reason" that this chapter, where it is
revealed that all men have sinned, should be the place where Paul would
write "for we know not." Yet, he did not state it in Chapter
Three.
Neither, did he make the statement in Romans Chapter Four, where he
proclaimed that Abraham was not justified by works, rituals, or the law.
Again, if one is attempting to approach God in the wrong manner, he
certainly could be identified as not knowing. However, the statement is
not found in Chapter Four.
Likewise, he did not make the statement in Chapter Five, the
"justification" chapter, with its emphasis on the need to be
justified. Nor, is the statement made in Chapter Six, the
"sanctification" chapter, with its emphasis on
"knowing" that one is sanctified. It seems that both chapters
could be the place where he stated, "for we know not." Yet, it
is not found in either of those chapters.
Paul did not even make the statement in Chapter Seven, the "I cannot
do as I ought to" chapter. Surely, as one reads this chapter, it
would be assumed that this would be where Paul stated, "for we know
not." Again, it is not.
Amazingly, Paul actually said "for we know not" in the
"Spirit-filled" chapter, Chapter Eight. It is in the chapter in
which Paul eulogizes life in the Spirit.
Surely, the Spirit-filled Christian should know his own heart.
However, Paul said, "Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our
infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the
Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be
uttered" (8:26).
Notice, the painful similarity between Paul's statement, "for we know
not . . .," and Jeremiah's statement, "The heart of man is
deceitful above all things and desperately wicked: who can know it?"
(17:9).
After forty years of being a Christian, surely I should know for what I
should pray. However, I am finding that when I pray as I think I should
pray, it is always to feed the love of my self-centeredness, Vainly, I
pray for my own enhancement. Painfully, I have come to realize I, too,
"know not what [I] should pray for as [I] ought."
Could the statements of Jeremiah (before Christ) and of Paul (after
Christ) actually mean that the heart of man will never change? My
self-centeredness trembles at the thought. I will "adamantly"
proclaim my heart has been changed! I have been made a "new
creature." I have been a Christian for over forty years!
But, has it? Oh, in high moments of religiosity, I will boldly proclaim
"I have been changed." However, in the reality of day-to-day
living, wickedness keeps raising its ugly head. All the struggles of my
life that have been previously enumerated are a testament that
"my" heart has not been changed.
I must confess that I can never know my heart, my true "inner
self" other than it is wicked. Like men of old, I will desperately,
continually devise plans to keep me on my throne.
At the worst, I will completely ignore my Creator and live as I dictate.
At best, I will mix grace and law in order to attempt to meet the demands
of the Creator, but also yield to the demands of my self-centeredness.
I desperately desire the workings of God, but unfortunately only to
enhance my own being. It seems my heart ". . . plot[s] injustice and
say[s], '[I] have devised a perfect plan!' [My] mind and heart . . . are
cunning" (Ps 64:6, NIV).
After over forty years of being a Christian, how painful it is to say that
my heart is still wicked. Although I have tried religiously to change my
heart, it has not changed. I, too, cannot do as I would.
However, there is hope! The good news of Jesus Christ proclaims that the
hope for every believer is not the "changing" of a heart. It is
not the remaking of an old heart. The old heart will never change.
It will always be desperately wicked and cunning in its scheming. It just
learns to be religious, to "play the game" as if it has been
changed.
The good news is that in Christ there is the "creation" of a
"new" heart for man. The believer now lives, as if he has a new
heart, because he now experiences life in the heart of Christ. However, he
has a new heart not because his heart is made over, or made new. His old
heart is continually dying, yet he experiences the life of a new heart
because he now lives in the heart of Christ.
The only answer for my deceitful heart is Christ's new heart. I must
experience a "true heart transplant" from life in my heart to
life in the heart of Christ. I must experience the exchanged life,
Christ's heart for my heart.
Although my heart remains in me, it no longer serves as the essence of my
life. It must continually die off. Christ now becomes the essence of my
life. He must continually live.
In experiencing this exchanging of the hearts, one of the most profound
mysteries of grace has been revealed. Just as I fought my
"conversion" experience of being moved out of myself and back
"into" Jesus, my heart will continually, desperately scheme to
put me back on the throne of my life. Even after "conversion,"
my heart will always resist the sovereign power of God.
However, it is a resistance that always fails. Moreover, the failure is
always two-fold.
First, my resistance to the sovereign power of God fails to produce the
life that I thought it would as I began my resistance.
Secondly, my resistance always ends (thus, failing to continue) when I
begin to experience the only consequence for that resistance, my spiritual
death.
Unless I have become a "reprobate" (through the continual
"blaspheme against the Holy Ghost" [Mark 3:29; Rev. 9:20,
16:9,11], my resistance to the sovereign power of God will always begin to
subside, amazingly, yet not so amazingly, when I near the tragic "end
of myself." Turning from God always produces the "pressure"
that brings me back to God.
God in His love for me is so complete, so perfect that He will always let
me turn from Him. Oh, He will weep for me in my rejection (Luke 19:41),
but, nevertheless, He will allow me to reject His love.
For without the freedom of rejection, His love would be nothing more than
the selfish gratification of a personal desire. True love always gives the
freedom to be rejected.
Who could and would reject the love of God? Certainly, it would never be
by choice.
I know my rejection of His love was never by choice. When the alternatives
of life (love) and death (apathy) are before me, I will never purposely
choose "not to live."
No man will purposely choose the death of his true life. Even suicide is a
testament to the value of life by an attempt to end a life that is not
experiencing life.
Deception is the only thing that will cause me to turn from life to death.
I will be deceived into thinking that something other than Jesus Christ,
the Way, can produce my life.
Although there are many "things" that can be used in the
deception, those things are only tempting to me because I want the
perceived choice of what is good and what is evil for my life. Ultimately,
I am continually deceived in thinking that "I" can produce life.
I now know that in spite of myself by the grace of God, I will be brought
back into Jesus. Jesus said, "And I, if I be lifted up from the
earth, will draw all men unto me" (John l2:32).
With the literal meaning of the word translated "draw" being
"to drag," it reveals the true story of my life, the true story
of the "Way" of Christ. The sovereign power of God is literally
dragging me back "into" Jesus Christ.
If Jesus is lifted up (His death on the cross), He will drag me to my
redemption. However, Jesus being lifted up on the cross must not only be
an historical event of some two thousands years ago, it must be my daily
experience.
It has been revealed that I must experience my dying off daily by His
death on the cross. As Paul wrote to the Romans:
What shall we say then? Shall we continue in
sin, that grace may abound? God forbid. How shall we, that are dead
to sin, live any longer therein? Know ye not, that so many of us as were
baptized into Jesus Christ were baptized into his death?
Therefore we are buried with him by baptism into death: that like
as Christ was raised up from the dead by the glory of the Father,
even so we also should walk in newness of life. For it we have been
planted together in the likeness of his death, we shall be also
in the likeness of his resurrection: Knowing this, that our old man is
crucified with him, that the body of sin might be destroyed, that
henceforth we should not serve sin. For he that is dead is freed
from sin. Now if we be dead with Christ, we believe that we shall
also live with him: Knowing that Christ being raised from the dead
dieth no more; death hath no more dominion over him. For in that
he died, he died unto sin once: but in that he liveth, he liveth
unto God. Likewise reckon ye also yourselves to be dead indeed
unto sin, but alive unto God through Jesus Christ our Lord. Let not sin
therefore reign in your mortal body, that ye should obey it is the lusts
thereof. Neither yield ye your members as instruments of unrighteousness
unto sin: but yield yourselves unto God, as those that are alive from
the dead and your members as instruments of righteousness unto
God. For sin shall not have dominion over you: for ye are not under the
law, but under grace. (6:1-14)
For me to experience this new life in Christ
continually, I must understand this "tale of death" contained in
this powerful revelation of the mysteries of grace.
Paul emphasized my need to experience the death of Jesus Christ
continually by his usage of the words "dead," "dieth,"
and "death" in verse nine: "Knowing that Christ being
raised from the dead dieth no more; death hath no more dominion over
him" (6:9).
Sadly, most English speaking people will interpret the words
"dead," "dieth," and "death" to mean the
same thing. However, each of them have a far-reaching different
definition.
For example, "Knowing that Christ being raised from the dead
[meaning, "a corpse"] dieth [meaning, "to die off"] no
more; death [meaning, "to die"] hath no more dominion over
him." I now realize that the struggles of my entire life have
occurred because I did not understand the meaning of the death and
resurrection of Jesus Christ for my life.
What shall we say then? Shall we continue in
sin, that grace may abound? God forbid. How shall we, that are dead [to
die off] to sin, live any longer therein? Know ye not, that so many of
us as were baptized into Jesus Christ were baptized into his death [to
die]? Therefore we are buried with him by baptism into death [to die]:
that like as Christ was raised up from the dead [a corpse] by the glory
of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life. For we
have been planted together in the likeness of his death [to die], we
shall be also in the likeness of his resurrection: Knowing this, that
our old man is crucified with him, that the body of sin might be
destroyed, that henceforth we should not serve sin. For he that is dead
[to die off] is freed from sin. Now if we be dead [to die off] with
Christ, we believe that we shall also live with him: Knowing that Christ
being raised from the dead [a corpse] dieth [to die off] no more; death
[to die] hath no more dominion over him. For in that he died [to die
off], he died [to die off] unto sin once: but in that he liveth, he
liveth unto God. Likewise reckon ye also yourselves to be dead [a
corpse] indeed unto sin, but alive unto God through Jesus Christ our
Lord. Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, that ye should
obey it in the lusts thereof. Neither yield ye your members as
instruments of unrighteousness unto sin: but yield yourselves unto God,
as those that are alive from the dead [a corpse] and your members as
instruments of righteousness unto God. For sin shall not have dominion
over you: for ye are not under the law, but under grace.
In my past, I never understood the word
"death." meaning "to die," is associated only with
Jesus. It is never used in conjunction with the believer.
Oh, how I have tried to live the "crucified life." I tried to
live life as if I were actually dead. What futility! Only Jesus has died
and been raised from the dead to live the resurrected life.
I did not know that experiencing my "death" occurs only in His
death as I continually experience my "dying off." My "dying
off" is not a one time occurrence. It must be a continually, daily
occurrence.
I now understand I will never experience the death of "to die"
until I experience the grave. However, thanks be to Jesus Christ, I can
experience my continual dying off in this life by the grace of God, by
being "baptized into Jesus Christ" (Rom. 6:3).
The continual "life of Jesus" is made manifest in my
mortal body, but only if my life is never attempted in my mortal body, in
my self-centeredness. I am alive but dying, yet dying I live. It is a
mystery, but continual life is only experienced in the continual death
(dying off) of my "own flesh:"
Always bearing about in the body the dying
of the Lord Jesus, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in
our body. For we which live are alway[s] delivered unto death for Jesus'
sake, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our mortal
flesh. (II Cor. 4:10,11)
The Good News, the Gospel, has declared that
the Father has sent His Son into my world to baptized me with His Holy
Spirit that my "mortality might be swallowed up of life" (II Cor.
5:4).
If Jesus will continually be lifted up (John 12:32), if I can continually
hear Him (John 6:63), if the Word can continually be set with my heart
(Matt: 13:18-23), I will finally arrive at my destiny, complete oneness
with Jesus Christ. I will come to know what it means to be filled with the
Spirit. I will come to know what it means to be spiritual.
The continual lifting up of Jesus in my life will eventually
"drag" me into submission to the Spirit. I know I will get
there, but I also know "another shall gird [me], and carry [me]
whither [I] wouldest not [go]" (John 21:18). Since my hope is Jesus
and not my effort, I know I will arrive. Yet, I also know I will arrive
resisting it with every fiber of my self-centeredness. Religion--my
acts of dedication and commitment for and to God--will not get be there
but Jesus will.
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